You might be familiar with the star signs Aries, Virgo, and least of all, Pisces. The month that we are born can predict all, including our careers, family life and what radio station we should listen to. But what if I told you that the star signs as we know them are wrong?

Scientists at the National Extreme Research Department (NERD) can reveal that a global conspiracy to create fake star signs.

“We were sceptical of giant crab just up in the sky, you know?” said Dr Jack Cough, a project manager at NERD. “So we looked up honestly we couldn’t see a single one. Not a crab, not a lobster, not a crustacean of any kind! So we began checking for the other star signs and that’s when we blew this case wide open!”

Dr Cough and the rest of his team could not find any of the astrological signs up in the sky, not even a space lion.

“Upon further investigation we discovered that scientific organisations have been fabricating the star signs in order to influence human behaviour. For instance, last month the horoscopes said that all Geminis should donate to space research. That sounds like a conflict of interest to me.”

Dr Cough’s team has now released the real horoscopes as they appear in the sky.

Jan 20 – Feb 19 Man with Dog

Feb 20 – March 20 The Vaper

March 21 – April 20 Tyrannosaurus

April 21 – May 21 Woman finger gunning Dog

May 22 – June 21 Unicorn

June 22 – July 22 Man who just lost everything

July 23 – August 22 Death Omen

August 23 – September 23 Mermaid

September 24 – October 23 Unlucky Fish

October 24 – November 22 Mosquito

November 23 – December 21 Kitty!

December 22 – January 20 Magical Deer